______________________________ | ___ _______ ___ | | / _ \/ __/ _ \/ _ \ | | / // / _// , _/ ___/ | | /____/___/_/|_/_/ | | | | PROUDLY | | ....PRESENTS.... | | | | ...THE HAUS SHOW REPORT... | | VOLUME 8 | | | | DATE: Sep 16th, 2011 | | WRITTEN BY: Tyler Terrapin | |____________________________| What a cold Friday night in the Steel City, but the DERPaholics are all nice and warm inside the DERP Arena! Seems like Delaney's pre-show BBQ is going to have to move inside, as its has begun to get freakin' cold at night! Despite the cold snap, the attendance figures continue to grow and grow. And when considering the high regard for Friday night high school football in the area, the paid attendance reaching 1,000 is truly astonishing. And as has become the custom, the DERP projectors fire up as the fans continue to file into the arena. Giving those who are already inside some entertainment as they wait, and for those outside it gives them the heads up that shits about to get started. *^*^*^*^*^*^*^* ON THE SCREENZ *^*^*^*^*^*^*^* [It's outside the DERP Arena, presumably in the back where the employee's park since there's no much of a fan presence, just a bunch of cars, most of them rundown and bit beat up... beater cars if you will. But in the midst of that, there is one car that stands out. The camera is obviously supposed to make this car the focal point of the shot, as the camera zooms in, getting right up and close to the.... limo?!?! Now the camera is right outside the limo, staring in the limo glass, trying to get a idea of who's inside. Perhaps annoyed by the privacy invasion, the limo sun roof opens up.... ...and FLETCHER POKES HIS HEAD OUT!!!] FLETCHER: It my duty to let all those in DERP know that your honorable 24/7 champion.... BATEMAN has arrived to the DERP Arena, and thanks to the wonders of closed circuit television........ will be witnessing the wonders of house show eight from inside his limo! That is all! [And that is all, as Fletcher quickly drops back down, as the camera fades out.... where the camera now turns to the [We cut to the DERP locker room, where one half of the Steel City Tag Team Champions, El Pollo Loco, stands... with a chair in hand. Even beneath his gutted-out chicken luchador mask, he looks as if he hasn't slept in two days... the look further accentuated by the crazed glare in his eyes as he scans the room clearly looking for something.] [Loco walks over to the door to Foodstamp's quarters, and violently kicks the door open. Behind a thin cloud of smoke from some unseen source, a glossy-eyed Foodstamp looks as if someone just pointed a gun at him and asked for his lunch money.] EPL: WHERE ARE THEY?! Foodstamp: Uh... they? EPL: THOSE BAD MEN WHO TOOK MY PRETTY! WHERE ARE THEY?! [Foodstamp, unsure of where he is at the moment, points at the door to the DERP sauna room behind Loco. The Chicken stares at him, then at the door, before breaking into a mad sprint over to the sauna door. A door which he also kicks open dramatically, before stepping into the room.] EPL (off-screen): WHERE ARE THEY?! [An unknown woman's voice screams, and Loco screams right back at her, before deciding the people he's looking for aren't in there and taking off, disappearing into the DERP weight room as he continues his search.] *^*^*^*^*^*^*^**^*^*^*^*^*^*^* SCREENS RETURN TO DERP LOGO *^*^*^*^*^*^*^**^*^*^*^*^*^*^* *^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^ DERP ^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^* | | | THREE WAY TAG TEAM WARFARE! | | | | PERFECTLY PERFECT DUO | | vs. | | THE MERRY PRANKSTERS | | vs. | | NERD POWER COLLECTIVE | | | *^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^ DERP ^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^* Max Studd of PPD and Captain Trips from the Pranksters go to start off the match. They go to tie up... but Studd pulls back! With a laugh he walks over to the Nerd Power Collective's corner..... and forcibly tags in Player Two! Still laughing, Max goes back to his corner, as the referee demands Player Two enter the ring. He slowly climbs through.... but seems to be taking too long for Trips liking, as the Captain charges in with a elbow shot, knocking Player Two the rest of the way into the ring! Captain Trips pulls Player Two to his feet, and whips him right across the ring hard. So hard Player Two bounces off the turnbuckles and comes stumbling back into the ring... only to eat a nasty clothesline! Trips drops down for the early pin attempt... 1... KICK OUT!!! Captain just pulls Player Two to his feet, clubbing away with his left's and right's. He then hooks him up, SWINGING CRADLE SUPLEX! Player Two cries out on impact! Trips gets to his feet, and grabs Player Two's leg, just dragging him towards the Pranksters corner, where he tags in Reddy Kilowatt. Reddy takes a hold of Player Two's leg, as Captain Trips bounces off the ropes.... Reddy catapults NPC into the air... TRIPS WITH A SPRINGBOARD DROPKICK!!! That's the FLYING SAUCER! What incredibly agility from Captain Trips! Reddy drops down and hooks the leg! 1... PLAYER ONE GETS IN THE RING... 2...... TRIPS DARES HIM TO BREAK UP THE PIN... ...AND HE DOES!!!!!! But now he's going to pay for it! Captain Trips whips Player One hard into the corner! He then charges... HANDSPRING BACK ELBOW!!! HURRICANE TRIPS!!! Player One is out on his feet it seems, as Trip's isn't done... he pulls him out of the corner with a nasty power slam! He then looks at Reddy, who's been stomping away at Player Two... and the Merry Pranksters ascend the turnbuckles.... STEREO MOONSAULT!!!!!!! THEY EACH HOOK A LEG OF THE NERD POWER COLLECTIVE!!!! 1... 2...... SHOULDERS UP!!!! [THE NPC LIVES FACE POP!!!] Laughing, the Captain Trips pulls Player One to his feet, hooking him for a suplex. Trips gets him high into the air, and holds him there... and holds him... and then... DUMPS HIM TO THE OUTSIDE!!!! Meanwhile Reddy has Player Two back to his feet, choosing to whip him into the ropes! Reddy goes for a flap jack, but Player two leap frogs.... AND LANDS ON CAPTRAIN TRIPS SHOUDLERS!!! Both men are surprised... but instincts take over.... HURRICANRANA BY PLAYER TWO!!! THE ENTIRE AREANA JUST ERUPTS!!!!! N-P-C! N-P-C! N-P-C! N-P-C! N-P-C! N-P-C! N-P-C! N-P-C! N-P-C! N-P-C! N-P-C! N-P-C! N-P-C! N-P-C! N-P-C! N-P-C! N-P-C! N-P-C! N-P-C! N-P-C! N-P-C! Player Two is beside himself! He just can't believe it! Captain Trips slides his way to the corner, grabbing his head, unsure of how the hell Player Two did that. Reddy isn't impressed though, charging right after Player Two... who ducks his grappling attempt! Both men turn around.... ENZURGUI BY PLAYER TWO!!!! Reddy is knocked back into the ropes, as the crowd continues to give Player Two a standing ovation! He whips Reddy into the ropes, and bounces off the ones right nex tot him... he leaps and goes into... A CANNONBALL POSTION!!! BUT REDDY CONNECTS WITH A FLYING SHOUDLER CHARGE!!! It's like a F350 colliding head on with a Pinto!!! Player Two is knocked right back to the mat! He rolls right into the Perfectly Perfect Duo's corner! He extends his hand for a tag.... ....and the Studd brothers hop right off the apron!!! The crowd instantly becomes to boo, and even tossing some garbage at Max and Lance, as the begin to wonder around ringside, jawing right back at the fans. In the ring, Reddy pulls Player Two, kicking and screaming right out of the corner... and locks on a STF right in the center of the ring! Player Two instantly screams out in pain, but is seemingly unable to move Kilowatt one bit! Reddy just continues to wrench back, adding as much pressure as he can to the hold! Meanwhile, Captain Trips has slide back into the ring. After collecting himself from the hurricanaranna, Trips exited he ring, only to come back in.... with a steel chair in hand! Reddy nods, and immediately lets go of the STF, pulling Player Two right up to his feet, and holding him in place! Trips winds up..... CLLLLLLAAAAANNNGGGG!!! And brings the chair right down over Player Two's head, much to the dismay of the DERPaholics! But the Captain isn't done! He winds up once more! CLLLLLLLLLLLAAAAAANNNNGGGG!!!! BUT PLAYER TWO MOVED!!!! Tripp's brings the chair down over his partner's head! Player Two instantly bounces of the ropes, and comes charging back... FLYIGN LEG LARIAT!!!! The entire arena again explodes as Player Two scrambles to cover Reddy, who's barely stirring... 1... 2...... KICK OUT!!! Player Two is just exhausted. Luckily for him, Player One has returned to ringside! With the Pranksters down, Player Two just has to make the tag! He rolls to the ropes, and pulls himself... and dives to Player One's outstretched hand!!! THE CROWD IS AT A THUNDEROUS VOLUME!!! N-P-C! N-P-C! N-P-C! N-P-C! N-P-C! N-P-C! N-P-C! N-P-C! N-P-C! N-P-C! N-P-C! N-P-C! N-P-C! N-P-C! N-P-C! N-P-C! N-P-C! N-P-C! N-P-C! N-P-C! N-P-C! Player One picks up Captain Trips, as Player Two bounces off the ropes. Player One gets him up for a Russian leg sweep it seems, as Player Two connects with a baseball slide to Trips legs.... as Player One falls forward with the sweep! Trips' face just slammed into the mat! The crowd just roars! It can't get enough! Delaney's training regimen must have been paying off because the nerds are finally mounting an offensive!!! Now the nerds have Reddy Kilowatt up to his feet... Both nerds now hit the ropes, as Reddy stands staggering in the center of the ring! Player One connects hits from behind with a low dropkick, as Player 2 hits him with a normal height dropkick from the front! Kilowatt is whip lashed into the mat, as Player One scrambles to make the cover! Player Two leaning against the ropes, playing guard! 1... 2...... SHOULDER UP!?!?!? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 3!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [THE ROOF'S GONNA FLY OFF THIS BITCH MEGA FACE POP!] Kilowatt doesn't' get the shoulder up in time!!! He just took a split second too long, and the Merry Pranksters have been eliminated from this match! The Nerd Power Collective is busy jumping around the ring, just completely and utterly overjoyed with themselves! The crowd is just roaring with delight! NERD POWER COLLECTIVE! NERD POWER COLLECTIVE! NERD POWER COLLECTIVE! NERD POWER COLLECTIVE! NERD POWER COLLECTIVE! NERD POWER COLLECTIVE! NERD POWER COLLECTIVE! NERD POWER COLLECTIVE! NERD POWER COLLECTIVE! [BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!] [CLLLLLLLAAAAANNGGGGGG!] [CLLLLLLLAAAAANNGGGGGG!] THE STUDD BROTHERS HIT THE RING WITH CHAIRS!!! They help the nerds celebrate by knocking them each into next week it seems, as they crumple to the mat! The crowd is beside itself, as the Perfectly Perfect Duo seem highly amused with themselves. Omar at ringside slides in a table, as the Max pulls Player One to his feet. Lance sets up the table, while Max puts Player One into the air with a fireman's carry, and walks over to the table...... DEATH VALLEY DRIVER!!!! The table just explodes, as does the crowd..... with hatred!!! The Studd brothers take the time to toss Player One out of the ring, before turning their attention towards Player Two, who has now pulled himself to his feet with the ropes! Omar slides another table into the ring! This time Max chooses to sit it up, as Lance charges at Player Two... connecting with a nasty elbow shot! Max sets the table up near the corner occupied by Lance and Player two. The Studd brothers do a little discussing, as Max decides to climb tot he top rope, as Lance rolls Player Two onto the table..... and climbs up himself!!!! Lance stands on the table, unsure of it's strength, and pulls Player Two up... in a piledriver position! And Max grabs his legs!!!! [YOU FUCKING KILLED HIM HEEL POP!] ...SPIKED PILEDRIVER THROUGH THE TABLE!!!! A P-P-D-Driver!!! The arena is on their feting, booing as loudly as they can! Trash is being thrown everywhere, as the Studd brothers get to their feet... and each place a boot on Player Two's chest! Talk about a nonchalant pin attempt! 1... 2... FOOT ON THE ROPES!!!!! [MY EARS HURT ITS SO LOUD IN HERE FACE POP!!!!!] Everyone thought Player Two was dead!!! He just got spiked thru a table, but the foot still rests on the ropes... but PPD is having none of it! They are going right after that referee! They don't believe the count was fast enough!?!?! Either way, they're taking their eyes off what matters... PLAYER ONE ENTERING THE RING.... ARMED WITH A SINGAPORE CANE!!!!! PPD has no idea! The fans haven't stopped cheering, Player One could be as loud a she wants too and they'd never hear it! [CRRRRRRAAAAAACKKKKK!!!!] [CRRRRRRAAAAAACKKKKK!!!!] [CRRRRRRAAAAAACKKKKK!!!!] [CRRRRRRAAAAAACKKKKK!!!!] Two shots each, sending the Studd brothers stumbling out of the ring! Omar quickly joins them, trying to rally the ropes, as Player One raises the cane in the air, getting himself a mighty ovation! He seems to be feeding off the adrenaline like no other! But he quickly turns his attention to his buddy, Player Two who hasn't moved much since he got that foot on the ropes at the last second. Player One does get his buddy upright, but Player Two is certainly out of it, as he leans on the turnbuckles. The crowd finally dies down, as the Studd brothers are both standing now, talking and discussing things with Omar. Still holding the singapore cane, Player One invites the Perfectly Perfect Duo into the ring! They break huddle with Omar, and each grab themselves a chair... and slide right into the ring! Player One tries to catch Max, but he quickly moves out of the way... [CLLLLLAAAAANNNNGGGGG!!!] But Lance doesn't miss, catching Player One from behind! [CLLLLLAAAAANNNNGGGGG!!!] [CLLLLLAAAAANNNNGGGGG!!!] Max chimes in with a few shots, and not pleased with what he's seeing, Player Two charges Lance, who has his back to him! Player Two jumps right on Lance's back, locking ona sleeper best he can! BUT MAX SLAMS THE CHAIR RIGHT OVER HIS BACK! Player Two instantly goes limp and falls off Lance.... who turns around only to put the chair underneath him and drop a leg drop right across Player Two's throat! Lance quickly goes for the pin... 1... WAIT, WHAT'S THIS?!?! 2... * ARE YOU READY... * * ... TO OBEY ... * * ... THE COW GOD? * [THE CROWD JUST ROARS!!!! Lance instantly hops to his feet and goes right to the ropes... bellowing loud as he can at "DA COW GOD" MOO who appears at the entrance ramp! Soon as Moo parts the curtain, Max slides out of the ring and with Omar at his side, run to where the stolen DERP Steel City Tag Titles are. Max begins to strap them around Omar, as Moo lifts his new toy... that BRANDING IRON!!!! He points it right at Lance, who continues to bark away!] [WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED FACE POP!] [MAX STUDD HAS BEEN LASO 'D AT RINGSIDE!!!! And that's no ordinary lasso... that's a BARBWIRE LASO!!!! And the culprit is none other than... EL POLLO LOCO!!!! Lucky Omar only is grazed, but he instantly takes flight titles at hand! Loco eyes get huge, as he charges in, tackling Max to the mat... and hog tieing him up like a wild boar!!!!] [Lance finally sees what's going on at ringside, and goes to exit... but soon as Loco's done, he takes off after Omar, frantically asking fans "WHICH WAY DID HE GO!?! WHICH WAY DID HE GO!?!?" Lance begins to chuckle.... BUT HE ISN'T CHUCKLING ANYMORE!!! Player One with the roll up... PLAYER TWO PILES ON!!!] 1... 2...... 3!!!!! [MY EARS ARE NOW BLEEDING ITS SO FUCKING LOUD FACE POP!] THE NERDS DID IT! THE NERDS DID IT! They got the best of the Perfectly Perfect Duo, with the assistance of REAL DERP Steel City Tag Team champions! "Final Boss" by MC Frontalot begins to blare over the PA system. *^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^ DERP ^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^* | | | WINNER: Nerd Power Collective | | | | FINISH: School boy roll-up | | | *^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^ DERP ^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^* Moo quickly slips back thru the curtains, presumably to see where Loco is on the hunt for Omar and his 'pretty'. Player One and Two just celebrate widely in the ring.... Lance rolls out of the ring, red with anger, and starts to try to help Max, who is still tie dup with that barbwire lasso! Lance is gettin no where, and calls out the DERP ring crew for some wire cutters... which quickly arrive! As the victors, Nerd Power Collective, finally make their way to the back, and the Studd Brothers limps up the rampway, Max Studd having lost a lot of blood, the DERP projectors fire up, as the clean up begins... *^*^*^*^*^*^*^* ON THE SCREENZ *^*^*^*^*^*^*^* [The camera finds us in the back, where two DERP superstars are laid flat out on the ground, bleeding from who knows how many wounds. The two men, Frank Wilkes and Joshua Black must have had one helluva war inside the locker room. THigns are in total disarray. Lockers are toppled, towels are stained with blood. A bench even looks to be cracked in half. Both men seem to be completely unconscious and barely breathing, as each of them have a lifeless arm flopped over the GNAW Heavyweight title strewn between them. And perhaps the person who had it the worst... heather Black is curled up in the corner, fetal position style, ghost white, tears streaming down her face. DERP EMTs finally hit the scene, and begin caring for both men as the camera fades out... *^*^*^*^*^*^*^**^*^*^*^*^*^*^* SCREENS RETURN TO DERP LOGO *^*^*^*^*^*^*^**^*^*^*^*^*^*^* One has to guess that right there means the title bout between those two men will NOT be occurring tonight.... but the fans seem to get over it very quickly, by having someone they can vent their frustrations out on... V/O: REACH OUT AND TOUCH FAITH! [With that sentence the lights died causing the arena to go black as the opening cords to Marilyn Manson's "Personal Jesus" began to play over the sound system. The crowd came alive with a mixture of booing and cheering.] ## Your own personal Jesus ## Someone to hear your prayers ## Someone who cares ## Your own personal Jesus ## Someone to hear your prayers ## Someone who's there [A small pretty faint spot light shot down from the top of the bleachers upon a figure standing in the aisle who has on a long black hooded robe. His face covered by the over sized hood with the only thing that could really be seen is a black beard.] ## Feeling unknown ## And you're all alone ## Flesh and bone ## By the telephone ## Lift up the receiver ## I'll make you a believer [After a few moments the man reached up pulling the hood off his head revealing the man, the myth, the legend... Jesus Christ! No, not really... When the hood dropped it revealed the boyish good looks of a man that looked just like a gothic Jesus Christ, but his name is, "Black Jesus" Ryan Faith!] ## Take second best ## Put me to the test ## Things on your chest ## That we need to confess ## I will deliver ## You know I'm a forgiver [Ryan slowly and deliberately made his way down the aisle which caused his black shoulder length hair to sway from side to side. After what seemed to be minutes "Black Jesus" got to the ring steps. He paused and almost right on cue to the music his arms rose to his side before he looked to the sky.] ## Reach out and touch FAITH ## Reach out and touch FAITH ## Your own personal JESUS [Ryan's arms dropped before he looked into the ring. He began to remove his robe revealing his ring attire which consisted of full length black tights with a white cross on the right leg with a glowing outline of what can only be described as Jesus crucified on said cross. To go along with the tights he's got on black wrestling boots, with matching black knee pads. Plus He has arm sleeves that extend from just above his elbows down to his fingers.] ## Feeling unknown ## And you're all alone ## Flesh and bone ## By the telephone ## Lift up the receiver ## I'll make you a believer ## I will deliver ## You know I'm a forgiver [The robe dropped to the floor as Ryan made his way up the steps. He climbed up the corner before pausing on the middle rope with his arms extended straight out. They quickly dropped as he stepped over the top rope and back onto the middle rope and finally down into the ring.] ## Reach out and touch FAITH ## Your own personal JESUS ## Reach out and touch FAITH [With that the music faded while the mixed reaction from the crowd continued with a few more cheers then before possibly because of the music. The house lights are now back at full strength and the ring attendant removed the robe from the floor. Faith circled the ring before asking for a microphone. A ring attendant came over reaching out to hand Ryan a mic only for Faith to pull it away from him in a very rude manner.] FAITH: It's funny isn't it? How things come full circle... FUCK YOU ASSHOLE FUCK YOU ASS HOLE FUCK YOU ASSHOLE!!! FUCK YOU ASSHOLE FUCK YOU ASS HOLE FUCK YOU ASSHOLE!!! FUCK YOU ASSHOLE FUCK YOU ASS HOLE FUCK YOU ASSHOLE!!! FUCK YOU ASSHOLE FUCK YOU ASS HOLE FUCK YOU ASSHOLE!!! [Ryan paused looking into the crowd in shock before continuing.] FAITH: Just a few short weeks ago The Mighty Quinn! threw me from the ring all the way into the audience causing me to hit multiple chairs on my way to the floor. I bruised my ribs, busted up my nose, and almost broke my orbital bone... I could have gone blind! [Ryan looked in the direction of the crowd where his body was mangled by the chairs at ring side.] FAITH: And all of you... Sitting where my body landed. None of you even bothered to try and catch me. No... You just let it all happen. As far as I'm concerned each and every one of you can go take a flying leap, so _god_ can sort you out! [He paused as he turned his attention back to the aisle way.] FAITH: Back to what I was saying... It's funny how things come full circle. Quinn busted my face up, so I had to do the same! Only I couldn't help myself, I couldn't stop! I had to keep hitting him and hitting him and hitting him until he was motionless. Because I live by a rule, and it's a fairly simple rule. Do to others as they do to you... [He laughed.] FAITH: And did it... I broke the seven foot man. I clubbed him as if he was one of the baby seals he clubbed in his childhood. I retired him! He's not here! So... I guess I'm the winner tonight now aren't I. So if the referee would please ring the bell and start the ten count I would appreciate it. [With that "Black Jesus" tossed the microphone out of the ring as the bell sounded. The ref reluctantly began to make the count as The Might Quinn! was no where to be found.] 1! 2! 3! 4! 5! 6! *^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^ DERP ^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^* | | | THE NEXT STEP IN THEIR DERP JOURNEY | | | | "BLACK JESUS" | | RYAN FAITH | | vs. | | THE MIGHTY QUINN! | | | *^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^ DERP ^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^* And here's the part that SUCKS about the DERP format.... ...yins won't see this match til Saturday on the... ...THE SECOND EPISODE EXTREME TV! DON'T MISS THE FUN!!! *^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^ DERP ^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^* | | | WINNER: | | | | FINISH: | | | *^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^ DERP ^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^* As the DEPR crews clean up that train wreck of a match, the DEPR projectors fire up, bridging the gap in between matches like normal... *^*^*^*^*^*^*^* ON THE SCREENZ *^*^*^*^*^*^*^* [Takes us back outside to where Bateman's limo sits, engine still idling, Bateman presumably actually now WATCHING himself on television. And if that's true, then perhaps Bateman sees what we see... a very angry, disgruntled looking Bullzeye roaming outside the limo, a singapore cane in hand. Bullzeye is dragging the cane on the ground behind him, pacing around the car, seemingly trying to find it's weakness... [SLLLLAAAAAPPPPP!!!!] Bullzeye swings the cane connecting with the trunk... [SLLLLAAAAAPPPPP!!!!] [SLLLLAAAAAPPPPP!!!!] [SLLLLAAAAAPPPPP!!!!] Another swing to the roof, hood and a windshield.... Now he walks up tot he window, blows on it to create a sort of fog, and using his intelligence, writes "I'LL BE BACK" backwards, so that Bateman can read it on the inside, as the camera fades out and fades back in.... ....now bringing us The DERP interview room, In a chair in the corner sits the man known as Foodstamp. The masked man seems bored and restless. He looks around the room for anyone who might see him. When he is confident nobody is around, he pulls a hand rolled ¨cigarette¨ from his pants pocket. He puts it into his mouth and produces a lighter from his other pants pocket. He lights the cigarette, takes a drag and exhales. He lets out a sigh of satisfaction when his moment of peace is disturbed Into the frame walks Twinkletoes Twilliger of Elbitz the elderly Elvis impersonator and the Twinkettes the backup dancers of questionable ability and moral character. Foodstamp looks up and immediately puts out the ¨cigarette¨.) Twinkletoes Twilliger: Mister Foodstamp, what a pleasure it is to see you today! Foodstamp: Huh? Oh sure its a ,pleasure, to see you to. Hey if you see Delaney could you not mention my smoking my umm cigarette in here? He's busted me twice already and said i would be gone if he caught me in here a third time. Twinkletoes Tiwillger: You can count on me to keep this a secret mister Foodstamp. Being a paragon for clean living, I deplore all unhealthy and unsavory habits and lifestyle choices but i will not pass judgement upon you. Hopefully you will learn from the example of me and my friends here. Foodstamp: Uh yeah you and your buddies set QUITE the example. Because of the example the red head sets I've been pissing blood for a week now! (The red haired Twinkette winks at Foodstamp and blows him a kiss) Foodstamp: Yeah i love you too snatchzilla. Any who you're not on tonight’s card so what the fuck are ya doin here? Twinkletoes Tiwillger: Well, Mister Foodstamp, after single-handedly defeating the entire roster in a battle royal and then putting on a wrestling clinic against the two top contenders for my Steel City Championship, Mister Delaney rewarded me with a night off. Talent such as mine should not be overexerted so it does not burn out. Foodstamp: Yeah, well we wouldn't want you to overexert yourself in anything you do, like put your shoes on or wipe your ass. Still, what the fuck are you doing here? Twinkletoes Tiwillger: When Mister Delaney gave me the night off, i asked myself how would i spend this time off. Maybe go to a fancy restaurant and have a nice meal, i could use some meat on my bones. Maybe go to a baseball game and give our local team the Pirates the awe inspiring motivation my mere presence provides, God knows they need it (The last comment illicits a chorus of boos from those watching on the big screen in the arena) Twinkletoes Tiwillger: OR maybe i could treat myself while treating all of my loyal fans by coming down to the DERP arena and taking in tonight's matches. I am of the people, and tonight i? giving back to the people by sitting amongst my people. I will be sitting at ringside allowing the my little Twinkies to bask in my presence. In turn I will bask in the unparalleled adoration that only show to the likes of myself. Foodstamp: Well, don t let me keep you from the adoring throngs of your little Twinkies. Go out there and enjoy getting basked by the fans. Twinkletoes Tiwillger: I will do just that Mister Foodstamp, my public awaits! TWINKIE POWER!!!! (Twinkie and his entourage walk out of frame) Foodstamp: I hope they bask that fat fuck with half filled cups of piss too. *^*^*^*^*^*^*^**^*^*^*^*^*^*^* SCREENS RETURN TO DERP LOGO *^*^*^*^*^*^*^**^*^*^*^*^*^*^* And that wonderful appearance by our DEPR Steel City Champion brings us right up to the main event, where Donovan O'Reily has already made his way to the ringside area, obviously limping badly on his one leg. He makes sure to chug a few beers as he goes, obviously trying to numb the pain. He really looks out of it, as if the man really shouldn't' be competing this week. Then, out comes "All Action" Denny Latimer!! The two men stand in the ring, inches from each other. O'Reily favoring that leg, Latimer's hand still in a cast, though it looks like a new ones been put on. Wonder how the healing going with all the abuse he gives it. The bell rings, as........ ......."Pump up the Jam¨ by Technotronic blares over the speakers. From the entrance way emerges the emaciated woman known as the Twinkettes. The woman dressed as questionably as ever, do what they think pass for dance moves with the enthusiasm one shows just before getting a root canal. Behind them hobbles along the elderly Asian man known as Elbitz. He is wearing a pompadour toupee and a sequined blue 70's style jumpsuit missing most of its sequins. Behind Elbitz emerges the man known as Twinkletoes Tiwillger. Twinkletoes is wearing his brown suit and matching shoes that is two sizes too small. Twinkie does what approximates dancing in his mind and tries to slap the hands of people as he makes his way down the aisle. Twinkletoes and company take their seats at ringside. He faces the fans and raises his arms in the air and lets out a loud Twinkie Power to show his appreciation of his fans, The fans respond by throwing popcorn and other debris down on Twinkie and his entourage. The two men in the ring shake their heads, and immediately tie up as the bell finally rings! *^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^ DERP ^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^* | | | MAIN EVENT | | WINNER BECOMES #1 CONTENDER | | FOR STEEL CITY CHAMPIONSHP | | | | "ALL ACTION" DENNY LATIMER | | vs. | | DONOVAN O'REILY | | | *^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^ DERP ^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^* But yeah, few exchange of punches, Irish whip, forearm smash, whip into the corner, DDT, second rope knee drop, wait for him to stand up, Landon Lock. Maybe hold it on a bit extra because, y'know, fuck him. The two men get no where with the tie up and quickly break the hold. Latimer's certianly grimacing, as O'Reilly begs for a slugfest, swinging at Denny... as Denny swings right back! Left! Right! Left! Right! LEFT! RIGHT! The two men are just exhanging stiff blows! Each men's head jerking back on impact! Both of them are certainly feeling the effects, but aren't stopping one bit.... until O'Reilly grabs latimer's bad hand nad whips him into the ropes..... NO! LATIEMR REFUSES!!! O'reilly comes charging back.... FOREARM SMASH!!!! O'Reily flops to the mat, as the crowd seems pleased with Latimer gettinng the early advantage... But Donovan doesn't stay down long! He gets right back up to his feet, but latimer is waiting for him! He now elects to whip him right into the corner... and follows in with a big splash! Latimer holds on, hookign O"Reily's head.... DDT!!! But Latimer's not done! With Donovan flat on the mat, he climbs up to the top rope.... SECOND ROPE KNEE DROP!!! The crowd applaudes with approval as Latimer continues to domiante this match! "All Action" gets up and walks over to the corner, smile all over his face. O'Reilly rolls around a big groggy on the mat, and uses the ropes to pull himself up, as Latime berates him to get up. Still limping, Donovan gets up to his feet and stumbles over towards Latimer! Donovan gives "All Action" a two fignered salute..... AS LATIMER TAKES HIM DOWN WITH A LEG SCISSORS! And he locks on a heel hook!!! THAT"S THE LANDON LOCK!!!! BREAK HIS LEG! BREAK HIS LEG! BREAK HIS LEG! BREAK HIS LEG! BREAK HIS LEG! BREAK HIS LEG! BREAK HIS LEG! BREAK HIS LEG! BREAK HIS LEG! BREAK HIS LEG! BREAK HIS LEG! BREAK HIS LEG! The ravenous DEPR fans continue to cheer, as Latimer torques and torques the heel hook! O'Reily is just screaming in pain, and umable to move anywhere! He's stuck square in the center of the ring, just in ever lasting pain! He tries... just tries so hard to get to the ropes.... BREAK HIS LEG! BREAK HIS LEG! BREAK HIS LEG! BREAK HIS LEG! BREAK HIS LEG! BREAK HIS LEG! BREAK HIS LEG! BREAK HIS LEG! BREAK HIS LEG! BREAK HIS LEG! BREAK HIS LEG! BREAK HIS LEG! O'Reily manages to move a few feet.... but Latimer pulls him right back to the center of the ring! He know adds a few more body shots, as that bad leg of O'Reilly has to be now compleltely incapicated!!!! ......AND HE TAPS!!! HE FINALLY TAPS!!!! *^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^ DERP ^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^* | | | WINNER: "All Action" Denny Latimer | | | | FINISH: LAndon Lock | | | *^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^ DERP ^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^* But Latimer's not letting go... and the fans cheer even louder!!!! They really do want to see that leg broken!!!! The referee talks to Latimer.... Now even "the Trashman" Tyrone Heat comes out of the back! Latimer just will not let go, not one bit at all!!!! BREAK HIS LEG! BREAK HIS LEG! BREAK HIS LEG! BREAK HIS LEG! BREAK HIS LEG! BREAK HIS LEG! BREAK HIS LEG! BREAK HIS LEG! BREAK HIS LEG! BREAK HIS LEG! BREAK HIS LEG! BREAK HIS LEG! HE FINALLY LETS GO!!! O'REILLY ROLLS RIGHT OUT OF THE RING!!! He is horrible pain, just clutching at that leg. Heat and Latimer exchange a few words, but it's more of a friendly "watch yourself, buddy" than anything heated. In fat, the two then take turns raisign each others hand as the crowd roars with delight, knowign "All Action" Denny Latimer has won the right to face Twinkletoes at Trick or Treat: A Deathmatch Extravaganza, DERP's first iPPV!!!! BUT.... The celebration is disrupted by Twinkeltoes Twilliger climbing over the railing!!!! He grabs the microphone from the announcer and enters the ring, followed by the Twinkettes ! Twinkletoes: Just what do you think your doing? [A chorus of boos rain down on Twinkletoes.] Twinkletoes: You have committed an unforgivable atrocity in this ring. You have attempted to break another man’s leg in the wrestling. That is an affront to the sport i love, to myself as a trained wrestler and these good people who appreciate the kind of quality wrestling that I display each and every week. [The crown begin to chant.] STUPID! FAT! FUCK!! STUPID! FAT! FUCK!! STUPID! FAT! FUCK!! STUPID! FAT! FUCK!! STUPID! FAT! FUCK!! STUPID! FAT! FUCK!! STUPID! FAT! FUCK!! STUPID! FAT! FUCK!! STUPID! FAT! FUCK!! Latimer: Alright son, calm down, calm down. Firstly, the only training you get in week in, week out is the hundred yard dash to the front of the Quizno’s queue. Secondly, the history, and I sincerely mean that word because it looks like it’s all in the past tense, between me and O’Reilly is none of your business. And thirdly, don’t interrupt me when my music is about to hit. I like to hear a bit of The Skids after a match, not you yapping your trap. Twinkletoes: Ill bet you think your a tough guy. You might be a bad man on the streets but inside this ring its another story. Tonight you got lucky and broke the leg of some no talent garbage wrestler. I like to see you try that against me, unlike Oreilly I? a trained professional Latimer: His leg isn’t broken, he’s just crushed by me. Ain’t that right Donny? Ah, he’s not answering. Look, Twink, I’m ready. Let’s not wait for Halloween. Let’s do this shit right here, right now, Philadelphia-style. Come on, what are you waiting for? [Twinkletoes takes off his suit coat, unbuttons his cuffs and rolls up his sleeves. Twinkletoes gets in Latimers face. The two men are practically nose to nose and they look like they are ready to fight when..] CLANG! [...from behind Elbitz sneaks up and takes Latimer down with a chairshot to the head. At this point Twinkeltoes and the Twinkettes all laugh and point at Latimer and celebrate getting one over on Latimer. Their celebration is short lived as Latimer slowly gets up, with the help of Tyrone Heat, who looks like he's about to explode. Upon seeing this Twinkletoes and the Twinkettes run out of the ring and back to the entrance way. Latimer gets up and sees them run to the back, he thinks about running after them but then he sees Elbitz. After hitting Latimer with the chair, Elbitz climbed a turnbuckle and starting celebrating his chairshot. Elbitz had his back to Latimer and his friends so he didnt see them run off. Tyrone Heat, with a smile from ear to ear PLUCKS him right off the top rope, and drags him right over to Dennny! Latimer picks up the mic that he’d previously dropped, as Tyroen cinches up his grip on Elbitz's neck.] Latimer: Yo, Chinese-American Trilogy. Looks like the dude who eats all of your moon cakes has had to make a sudden exit. Now... I dunno. Hitting a man with a steel chair is definitely part of the DERP culture. Definitely part of the culture. Hitting a man who’s blindsided with a chair... That’s not so much. Hitting a blindsided man with a steelchair then running away like a scalded cat? That’s definitely not part of DERP. Now... you know what is part of DERP? [Elbitz doesn't respond, as Heat shakes him a bit. A quivering Elbitz shakes his head.] Latimer: Table spots. [Elbitz lunges forward, trying to make a run for it! But Heat's grip is way too strong for that!Latimer grabs on to one of Elbitz's arms and using Elbitz’s full momentum to his advantage, Latiemr Irish whips him into the ropes before following up with a viscious lariat. Elbitz goes sprawling over the top rope and lands in an awkward pile. Both Heat and Latimer roll under the bottom rope and goes to leave. The crowd start to murmur in disapproval. Pantomiming forgetfulness, Latimer slaps his forehead and goes over to the collapsed Elbitz. He hoists him up on his shoulders, waiting for the crowds approval... [HOLY FUCK YES PUT HIM THRU A TABLE FACE POP!] [He gets the reaciton he wanted, as Heat finishes setting up a table for Latimer. Without any hesitation, Latimer lifts Elbitz high into the air..... [OH THANK HEAVENS FOR THAT DISPLAY OF VIOLENCE FACE POP!] ...........A CRUCIFIX POWERBOMB THROUGH THE TABLE!!!!!!!] [The table is in pieces and Elbitz is laid out at some of the most awkward angles imaginable. "The Saints Are Coming" hits the PA system as Latimer and Heat make their way out through the crowd, getting high fives left and right from the DERP fans, before eveyone begins their exit of the DERP arena, closing the book on yet another fablous DERP haus show.] ______________________________________________________ THOUGHTS? REACTIONS? SPEAK YOUR MIND RIGHT HERE: http://z13.invisionfree.com/DERP_Forum/index.php?showforum=4 *^*^*^*^*^*^*^* ON THE SCREENZ *^*^*^*^*^*^*^* *^*^*^*^*^*^*^**^*^*^*^*^*^*^* SCREENS RETURN TO DERP LOGO *^*^*^*^*^*^*^**^*^*^*^*^*^*^*